Sacrificial Love Vs. Obligation: A moment with Henri Nouwen

A 26-page chapter on Solitude and Community in Henri's book, Clowning in Rome, has become possibly my favorite chapter of any book...ever. Now next month, I most likely will no longer agree with that statement, but it is the PERFECT chapter for me in this season of my life. I've read it over, and over and over and I get something new from it every time, it never fails. This week the Holy Spirit was highlighting the affects of solitude and prayer. A bit of the background of this chapter: Nouwen is commenting on the "state of emergency" we are in (this book was actually written in 1978, so how much more now?) with all of the wars, oppression running rampant, suicide seeming like the only option. Darkness is all around us, and it only seems to be increasing. In the midst of this dark world we are invited to live and radiate hope. Nouwen imposes the question, "Can we offer hope, courage and confidence to the people of this era? Do we dare break through our paralyzing fear? Will people say of us, "See how they love each other, how they serve their neighbor, and how they pray to their Lord?. He goes on in the chapter to describe how living in solitude and the overflow of that into how we treat our friends, our neighbors, our enemies and how we pray to our God will affect and give light to the broken world which surrounds us.

So here I am, 24th time reading this chapter and I get to this section on Solitude and Prayer. I am reading through and I feel pain inside of me as I am taken back to a time when I knew prayer to be nothing more than a babbling of words on my part, and a distant, partially inclined ear on God's part..at least thats how I felt. Henri talks about the pressures of living in our society and how it can easily make us feel angry, bitter and resentful towards God. We end up wondering if God really can be trusted and if He really is "close to the broken-hearted" like He says He is. We commit to pray, but have doubts that our prayer will really be answered.
I am reminded of the pain of this.
I am reminded of the pain of praying and wondering if things will really ever change. I remember this oh, so very well, The ache of doubt.
I know whats its like to feel obligated to fast, to feel obligated to pray, to sit in a chair for 5 hours and leave more depressed than when I came. I did it out of obligation, I did not know how to love. I had to plow through my western mindset of unbelief into the knowledge of the love of Jesus Christ dwelling in my heart through faith. Jesus Christ has made a way for us to enter in, and His promises endure forever. His Word will not return to Him void and He desires a people who will sacrificially love. St Theresa of Avila says "A man in love happily fulfills obligations, yes (and this, too, is an act of love" but he is eager to do so much more: he gives the beloved everything and anything that will please her and that lies in his power to give." This is our inheritance, this is our relationship with our Jesus. We realize He is happily in love and we no longer are obligated to love him, we love freely, and we sacrifice freely and joyfully. And Amen. :)