it hurts so good!

And the daily routine goes on...
get home from work, grab the latest book im reading, my journal (or spiral five star notebook-i just cant do the sparkly, flowery, busy journals. i used to, but i discovered that after about 2 weeks i began to hate it, and actually found myself getting angry whenever i would see it, is that wierd?), my bible, and my lovely iBook. The past few days ive certainly spent more time on my laptop reading everyone and their brothers blogs rather than chewing on the thoughts of the brilliant John Stott, The Cross of Christ...my latest book...incredible. it makes me hurt so good!

i started reading this book with the intentions of not highlighting one thing, and can i say that im the queen of highlighting? (look at my bible). But i came to the conclusion that highlighting my books would take away from what it could speak to me reading it a second time through, it would leave me partial to bring my eyes and thoughts right back to that revelation i'd had 2 years earlier when i had first read the book (maybe i should take this approach with my bible as well, or i could just highlight the whole thing?! im doing it.) I had to cave in, and highlight just one thing though, it was that good! ill share with you guys what it was that struck my heart to the core:

" we too sacrifice Jesus to our greed like Judas, to our envy like the priests, to our ambition like Pilate. "Were you there when they crucified my Lord?" the old negro spiritual asks. And we must answer, "Yes, we were there." Not as spectators only, but as participants, guilty participants, plotting, scheming, betraying, bargaining and handing Him over to be crucified. We may try to wash our hands of responsibility like Pilate. But our attempt will be as futile as his. For there is blood on our hands. Before we can begin to see the cross as something done for us (leading us to faith and worship), we have to see it as something done by us (leading us to repentance). Indeed, "only the man who is prepared to own his share in the guilt of the cross," wrote Peter Green, "my claim his share in its grace".

I remember sharing my testimony when i got to Kansas City and one question each of us interns had to address was this; what is one reality you want to leave here with? I said that i want to cry at the thought of Jesus dying on the cross. i didnt realize then what all the cross truly entailed. My thoughts were that i would be crying with a happy, joy-filled heart, thanking Jesus that He had saved my soul from eternal damnation. This is truth, but there is so much more to it. I was the one that nailed Him there. I was not a spectator, i didnt watch as the centurions mocked Him and beat Him and hated Him. I took part. Now i must come to terms with this actuality. I will find myself weeping at the foot of the cross, not only because He was so gracious to humble Himself and die the most horrible death, but because so often i dont agree with it.

Lord, show me the depth of my depravity. I want to share in Your sufferings just as Paul prayed in Phillipians 3 ( i have a fancy toward Paul, i just like him a lot), to become like You in Your death.


sidenote: to any one of you who has ever shot up a prayer to the Big Guy for me, i just want to say thank you. i feel them.